Today.

Today is being difficult.
I’m just small me.
And I’m finding today a struggle.
It’s not even lunch time and I just want to give up. I wake up tired and spend hours doing the things I have to do just to keep on living. It seems like a cruel irony that the life I gain by doing my treatments, taking my medications and eating well just gets spent again on those same things. Round and round. And for what?

I’ve read about joy in suffering and living with a bright sadness and it sounds so good. But often the people who write these things forget to tell you about the days when it’s just too hard. The days when you sit and wonder why this is a good idea. The days when the sadness seems darker than anything you’ve known before. The days when you’re living the middle of the Psalm and the praise of that beautiful last verse is so far from your lips. Those days are so real. Pain is part of the package.

One of my favourite film quotes (from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel) says, ‘Everything will be alright in the end…and if it is not alright, then it is not yet the end.’ It’s not meant to be Christian but it fits perfectly.
Today is not alright.
Today hurts.
But today is absolutely not the end.
There’s more to come. There’s better to come. There’s joy to come.
And that’s enough to keep me going.
Even today.