On being.

 It’s been a while. I’ve been touched by how many people have noticed my blog absence and asked how I am. Thank you. 

 Truthfully, it’s been an odd year. 
 I’ve asked so many questions and received very few answers. I’ve realised yet again that even without answers, questions still need to be asked. God gave me a brain and He wants me to use it. 
 I’ve listened to so many sermons and lectures and read so many books. I’ve realised yet again that while I love book learning and facts, they aren’t the answer to everything. I don’t think that I’ve learned a lot about things over the last year. I don’t know that many more facts than I did this time last year. But I think that I’ve learned more about how to be me. 

 My calling and role over the last few years has been hard to define. It’s been a mixture of doing without things I would like and having to deal with things I would rather not have to. I suppose I would now attempt to define it like this: My calling and role is to learn how to live by being rather by doing

 There are two Ruths. There’s the real one and the pretend one in my head. The pretend Ruth is awesome. She has boundless energy and is super productive. She has a thriving career and her house is always clean and tidy. She has a brilliant memory and can discuss any subject with knowledge and ease. 
 And then there’s the real Ruth. She becomes exhausted by having someone over for coffee. She is 25 and career-less and her neat-freak tendencies are constantly frustrated by mess and dirt. She used to have a brilliant memory but she can’t remember where it went. And as for discussions filled with knowledge and conducted with ease, she’s scared of talking to more than two people at a time.
 If I could do things, if I had enough energy, I might be able to become someone more like the pretend Ruth. But my job is to be me. The real Ruth. The Ruth that God made me to be. The Ruth that I am. I’ve been learning how truly to inhabit the real Ruth. Learning to understand my motivations, my desires, my loves, myself. It’s not easy. The grass really is always greener. But I think it’s necessary. If I’m going to understand my role and my calling, I need to understand and to accept who I am. I need to learn how to be me.

3 thoughts on “On being.

  1. Ruth, this post brought tears to my eyes. Our situations are very different, but for my own reasons I could have written every one of those words too! I especially loved this:

    ” My calling and role over the last few years has been hard to define. It's been a mixture of doing without things I would like and having to deal with things I would rather not have to. I suppose I would now attempt to define it like this: My calling and role is to learn how to live by being rather by doing. “

    I have felt often that this is the whole story of my last decade or so: learning how to BE more and be okay with DOING less. I still struggle with it. I don't know if I will ever get to the point where I don't feel, in my lowest moments, like I'm essentially a waste of planet-space because I spend most of my time trying to maintain whatever level of health I have at the rest of it trying to keep up with the endless list of impossible tasks that a “normal” person would be able to do easily. Sending love and prayers! I'm sorry that it has been a difficult year.

    Like

  2. Xxx The pretend Ruth is the one we all want to be… The real Ruth is the one we value and appreciate because it is exactly that… Real. And that is what I love about your blog.xxx

    Like

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