Waiting here

On Sunday evening I thought I might be going to meet my King. But He said no. Apparently there’s more for me here. And when I look into my husband’s eyes, I know that it’s right. When I read emails from my sisters, I know that I need more time. And when I realise what such a thing would be to my parents, I’m glad  I’m still here.

But this is not the story I planned. This isn’t the 2.5 children, nice house, easy life that I wanted. I have no answers. What is going on?

I know there are good things even in the pain. And I know there are great things ahead. But still, when I wake up at night, I just want to say, ‘Lord, why? Why is this story for me?’

I had a shower today. My first in a few days. Disgusting, I know. But today I managed to stay off oxygen long enough. And I feel clean and happy. A lot cleaner and a lot happier than I do after my usual daily shower. The thing is, when you get really messy, getting clean again is glorious. That’s the way the world works. Loving makes pain worth it, like joy makes sadness worth it and emptying a full bladder makes needing the loo worth it. You laugh, but you know what I mean.

It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to come before the throne and ask what’s going on. Faith doesn’t mean blindly accepting. Faith involves grieving and pain. Faith involves hurting and asking, pleading and screaming.

‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’

But faith knows there is an answer. Because faith trusts in a promise. And in the midst of the questions and the weeping, faith whispers:

‘Your will be done.’

7 thoughts on “Waiting here

  1. Hi. I found your blog through my friend Anna. I am so glad that I did. I too have a chronic illness that can be devastating and life threatening. I am having a very hard time dealing with this life and why it is happening to me. I'm glad I was able to read some of your insights. Thank you for sharing.


  2. Can't remember how I found your blog, but found out we have a friend in common, Hilary Nichols. Thank for your honesty and for always pointing people to our King. Always read your blog and often your posts lead to prayer on your behalf.

    Fin Langman


  3. Thank you Ruth for your honest and heartwarming blog which I found via Peter Hayden of CEC and your Dad. Praying for you and your family – that you would know the blessing, encouragement and hope that is (only) found in Christ which Paul speaks about in Romans 8:38-39. Tony Whitmarsh (CEC)


  4. First visit today, thanks to Emma.
    You know and treasure something great, Ruth, because at the heart of all you say, is the great and rich love and care of God for you. The things you delight in are truly a foretaste of the wonders to come in the new earth, held by the everlasting beauty of the throne of the Lamb. There, we shall truly be known by the splendor. May He continue you to keep you in such true joy. Howard.

    I wear your love by Kathy Mattea:


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