Some days it seems as though Life has been stolen from me. Taken away in different ways. I won’t live long. The average life expectancy for a person with cystic fibrosis is 31. My prediction isn’t even that good. And while that is a hard thing, it still feels like a distant thing. My struggle right now is in the fact that I can’t give life. I can’t live life for long and I can’t give life. Yes, yet again, this comes back to motherhood. Or the absence of it.
I had a dream. I had a little girl. But at 8 hours old she passed away. Even in my dreams life is taken from me. I woke up, knelt on the floor and wept. I cried out to the Life Giver. ‘Why? Your Gospel is about Life. How can I be living something so contrary to your Gospel. It seems so empty. So foolish. So void. You give Life. You give abundantly to others. Why not me? I feel like I’m living Death. I wake up breathless, clinging onto life. I fill my body with chemicals in the morning to help it through the day, and in the evening to help it through the night.’
Yet my life is not my body. My true Life is my soul. I will live forever because that was the plan of the One who made me. He didn’t make my body to last. My body will stop working, perhaps before yours, perhaps after. Who knows? Calmness overwhelms me. The tumult of my soul over something as small as my body seems crazy in the grand scheme of things. What’s made to last, will last. My everlasting parts need not worry over the decay of my passing body. God creates, he breathes Life into beings. And the true Life lives on. God’s plan.
My body matters. It’s ok to weep over hard life, over lost life, over life that will never be. Jesus wept. But looking forward helps me. It helps me to see true Life. The Life that never ends. And I have that. It’s a gift from the Life Giver. And no one can take that from me.